Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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