is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Randomize
