Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
