the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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