I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
