Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
