I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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