So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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