Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
and she was petting her beer can
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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