mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
