hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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