The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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