So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Randomize
