she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
