3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
When are your genitals available?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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