I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Randomize
