i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
