Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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