All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Dick very happy bro
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
