I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
So much Jack, so little girl.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
