didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
