Barsexuality is the new black.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha