wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I love you. Go after that dick
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Randomize
