Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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