Dude my mom stole all your condoms
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Randomize
