im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
