Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
