Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
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