the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
