Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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