I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
