I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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