I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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