So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
