Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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