A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
