her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
