my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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