my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
You may now shotgun with the bride
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
