I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
