I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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