my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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