She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
