Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
