i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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