Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
