So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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