I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
