Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
oh god was she eating orange peels again
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
