my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
