Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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