I'm jealous of your bromance
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
