A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
two words...techno handjob
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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