So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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