I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
