Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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