is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
