oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
