Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
My breasts were aching with rage.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
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