Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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