Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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