I wish I could punch you in the face.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
