i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
