And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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