if i can run in heels then i can drive
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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